Fan-fic conversation between President Obama, birthday girl Malia Obama, with some interruptions from Valerie Jarrett, Vice President Joe Biden, and Moby, naturally.
President Obama: Does the DJ take requests?
Malia: No. He does not.
President Obama: Valerie, does the DJ take requests?
Valerie Jarrett: I’ll ask.
Moby: Yes, I take requests.
Valerie Jarrett: He takes requests.
Vice President Biden: Ask him if he has “Rocky Mountain High, Colorado!”
Moby: I have some whale sounds that are tonally similar.
President Obama: Malia, what’s that song you like? I’ll sing it for you.
Malia: I don’t. I don’t like any songs.
President Obama: Oh, stop it. What’s it called? “Stay Home From Work?”
Malia: No. I don’t like music at all actually.
President Obama: “Work Remotely?”
Malia: Sound in general, can’t take it.
President Obama: Moby, do you have “Call in Sick?”
Malia: No music. No singing. I’m actually going to take a vow of silence.
President Obama: When?
Malia: Right now. Starting now. I’m going to become a Carmelite Nun.
President Obama: I’m pretty sure we’re not Catholic.
Malia: They don’t mind.
President Obama: Malia, you’re being ridiculous.
Malia: There is no Malia here. My name is Sister Mary Clarence.
President Obama: Look, it’s either you let me sing you your favorite song or I sing my favorite song—
Vice President Biden: “Rocky Mountain High, Colorado!”
President Obama: No. If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, by Drake.
Malia: That’s not a song. It’s a whole album.
President Obama: Exactly.
Malia: Fine. You can sing. Just one song.
President Obama: Moby! Can you play the Game of Thrones theme? I custom wrote some lyrics for the occasion.
Malia: Oh God.
President Obama: You’re the luckiest 18-year-old in the world right now.
Malia: Is it too late to get adopted by Justin Trudeau?