If you read magazines and cruise the web, one thing is clear: the hottest accessory is a celebrity baby. Bigger than a Birkin and cuter than a pooch (hear that, Paris?), babies are all the rage. Babies are so in, I wouldn’t put it past a few celebs to have one just to keep themselves on the front page (hmm, Kim K?).
But it’s not enough to have a baby—you’ve got to have a celebrity baby. So, if you want to turn your little Susie or Tommy into a Blue Ivy (Beyoncé’s single lady), Harper 7 (David Beckham’s little goalie), or Tennessee Toth (Reese Witherspoon’s little cowboy), you’re going to have to get to work. Sure, real celeb babies have the gift of good genetics and an endless budget, but even their cuteness takes a lot of work.
So if you want to turn your little bundle of joy into a celeb bundle of joy, here are the requirements.
1. Give Him or Her a Weird Name
Blue Ivy seems like a practically normal name compared to a few others kids in the Celeb Mommy and Me. Take Holly Madison’s new little lady named Rainbow Aurora or Kristen Bell’s newborn (girl), Lincoln, and you see that the celebs throw down in the weird baby name arena. Remember when Gwyneth caught all that heat for naming her little girl Apple? Well Apple seems like a conservative name compared to Jason Lee’s kiddo’s name, Pilot Inspektor (double whammy on the weird name that’s also misspelled), Nic Cage’s son’s Superman-inspired name, Kal-El, or Bono’s kid, Memphis Eve.
So if you want your kid to have as cool a name as Apple or Memphis, try naming your kid after the place they were conceived (I mean city, not “back of the car” or “somewhere in Vegas”). Colors are also chic for celeb baby names. Though you may want to avoid Beige or Loden Green. They just don’t have the same ring as Blue or Plum. Or take a stab at a great character from literature, but only if the name comes from a book no civilian has actually ever read.
2. Give Your Baby a Pint-Size Designer Wardrobe
Check out Harper 7 or any of Angelina’s 300 kids and it’s clear—these kids leave the house ready for their close-up. So if you want your little supermodel to get way too much attention for their looks and wardrobe or to look so hip it borders on annoying, you’re going to have to give your kids designer duds. And sure, you may have scoffed at the prices of J.Crew kid’s stuff, but it will seem free compared to that shearling vest Harper 7 wore once to a playdate or the mini Pradas Suri wears to school.
3. Get Photographed Regularly at the Park With “Normal” Kids
Not a day goes by where Kingston or Honor Marie aren’t photographed frolicking with their celeb moms and on the swings of L.A.’s most public parks. That’s because the coolest celeb kids like to hang out with the little people. Literally. They like to hang out with normal kids. That is, until they leave the park and drive directly to their exclusive private school or drive home to their gated estate in a gated community where normal kids are not allowed.
4. Their Own Clothing Line or Uber Cool Business by Preschool
It’s not enough to be named Jicama and wear Burberry diapers. A true celebubaby has his or her own line. Line of what? Anything. Clothing, of course, comes to mind. Because celeb babies aren’t just well dressed, they are so unique, creative and special; they can personalize their own wardrobes before they can walk. And once you’ve bedazzled a onesie, you can bedazzle 2 million onesies, sell them on QVC and pay for your own private school.
5. Just Say No, to a Haircut
What’s good enough for Samson is good enough for Zuma Rossdale (Gwen Stefani’s youngest). Celeb babies are so hip, even their hair styles are cool. And to be a true celeb baby, onlookers should not be able to tell your gender by the cut of your hair. All celeb babies should really look like girls. So let your little boy’s hair grow out, hang in his face, or be pulled back in a ponytail. Just don’t cut it short and neat—that’s so B-list.
6. Must Be in a Band, Despite No Specific Musical Gift
Just like every celebrity needs to—at least once—cut an album, so do their kids. Celebrity babies have a lot to say and are not content to sing back up on mom’s latest record. But what happens if a celeb kid can’t sing, dance or write a song? It never stopped their parents, so sing away. God invented autotune for a reason.
So if you already named your baby Jane, there’s still time to re-name her Kumquat Uranus, put her in a pair of baby Louboutins and take her to Nobu just because. Who knows, maybe you’ll run into Jessica Simpson and baby Maxwell or Angelina and her 300 kids.