Why do celebrities make baby growing look so easy? I mean, really now, can we just stop that? They look fabulous all the time. All. The. Time. For me … not so much. I have two children, a son and a daughter, and I have to tell you, it wasn’t always beautiful baby bumps and cute maternity clothes. Oh no, there were definitely a few phases in the “baby growing belly department” that I would have liked to skip, and for anyone who has ever birthed a human being, you know what I’m talking about.
For as many stages as there are in your baby’s development, your poor belly goes through a few stages of its own.
I’m pregnant!! Time to read up on stretch mark prevention tactics, stock up on cocoa butter, binge shop at the maternity store, snap a few final pictures of my pre-baby belly for Facebook, and hunker down for the long haul. A beautiful life is blooming inside of me. I am Mother Nature!
Alright, it’s been like three months, where is the baby belly? I mean seriously, where is it? I feel exhausted and nauseous, and yet I have no visible proof of the baby that is doing this to me.
OK, I know I wanted a belly, but what is this? This isn’t a belly; this is pudge. I look fat. People are looking at me as if they aren’t sure if they should congratulate me or move the candy bowl away from my desk. This is not what I wanted. I guess the only logical thing to do is to Instagram the whole thing with pictures of fruit that are same size as my baby, next to my chubby belly, and prove to everyone that I am indeed pregnant.
The belly is here!! I HAVE POPPED AND THE BABY IS SHOWING!! I’m pregnant everyone! Look at my beautiful belly! I totally rock pregnancy.
Uh … OK, the belly can stop growing now. Like seriously, stop that. I was expecting a belly, but not this much belly. I still have like two more months to go and people keep asking me if I’m having twins. I AM NOT HAVING TWINS SHUT UP AND WE ARE NOT FRIENDS ANYMORE. I don’t think I can get much bigger than this. I’ll probably go early. Yep, that’s it, I’ll have the baby early.
It’s official: Call the museum, construct the sculpture, I am a freak. Is the doctor sure I’m not having twins? I look like I’m having twins! How is this even possible?! And my belly is moving a lot. Stop doing that, it’s creepy.
What is going on in there?!
Also, those stupid, stupid cocoa butter bottles? They all lied!! I have stretch marks from my lady parts to my boobs, and even my boobs seem to have doubled in size. I want my money back.
Oh. My. Gosh. Send help.
I had the baby … I think. I mean I definitely had the baby, I felt all of that fun stuff, but I still look pregnant … kind of. I’m still huge, but my belly is all wobbly. It looks like a deflated muffin top filled with jello.
I’m going to be in maternity clothes for the rest of my life, and if anyone posts a picture of me on Facebook I will kill them.
Stage Eight (and one year later)
Well hello there belly. I think I remember you from way back when, I just didn’t recognize you with your slightly different shape and what some moms call “tiger stripes” (apparently I’ve earned them). You look pretty good for everything you’ve been through.
So belly … you up for another tenant?
I hear that baby bumps are in these days.