My Miscarriage Story My Miscarriage Story
My husband and I started trying to conceive as soon as we were married. I was 33. I knew that my age would not... My Miscarriage Story

My husband and I started trying to conceive as soon as we were married. I was 33. I knew that my age would not stack the odds in our favor, but I’ve always been an optimist. About a year in, I got pregnant, and while I knew that I shouldn’t get too excited until I was 3 months along, we couldn’t help but start the planning in our heads.

My husband and I were giddy. I went to the doctor and they couldn’t get a heartbeat on the ultrasound, but they said that was normal sometimes and maybe I wasn’t as far along as I thought I was. We were concerned, but stayed positive. A week or so later, I experienced the bleeding that made it pretty clear I was miscarrying. We went to the ER on the suggestion of my doctor (it was after-hours) and they just confirmed what we already knew. It was heartbreaking. The problem is that, quite simply, I had more “old eggs” than I should have, and it was just an egg that wasn’t viable. It took a few months to get out of the funk. I had told more people than I wished I had, and it was terrible sharing the bad news. And somehow terrible to know they were grieving for us, too. We saw an infertility specialist, who suggested we try a round of injectable drugs and IUI, which we did three times. One try ended in a pregnancy (and then miscarriage) and the other two were sadly duds. Over the span of 7 years, I had five miscarriages. It was always the same story: They couldn’t hear the heartbeat and I always knew it was likely bad news right from the first appointment.

The pregnancies always ended between week 7 and 11, and while that’s not too far along, it is certainly enough time to start dreaming and falling in love with the idea of that baby. Of course, having miscarriage after miscarriage was incredibly hard on both me and my husband. We got to the point where we told no one when I was pregnant, because it somehow made it more tolerable to not have to share the grief. I actually considered not telling my husband I was pregnant once or twice, to try and spare him the pain of another miscarriage, but never could keep it from him. I found myself so jealous and hateful of friends—and strangers—with babies. I would even try to avoid places where I knew I would see lots of pregnant women or babies. I hated feeling bad for myself and hated the feelings of anger I had towards those who had no problem getting pregnant. I was incredibly frustrated with myself, and with my body. I had always found that with hard work, I’d been able to achieve anything I wanted. This was the one time I wanted something—and I wanted it so badly—and couldn’t do a thing about it. It was infuriating. I found myself seeking out women who had also suffered miscarriages, because one of the few things that gave me comfort was knowing I wasn’t alone.

The more I brought it up in conversation, the more I realized that it’s so incredibly common, and while I would never wish the experience on anyone, the camaraderie made me feel stronger. We started looking into adoption, and were getting excited about the prospect. People always said that when you stop stressing out about getting pregnant and focus your thoughts elsewhere that “Bam!,” that’s when you get pregnant. It irritated me, blaming infertility on stress, because while it certainly might have played a part, I knew there were other physical reasons for the miscarriages. But “Bam!,” it did happen. A good egg. Seven years of trying and I had a pregnancy test that I knew told me another story. The line on the stick was WAY darker than it had even been in the past. And I started feeling nausea, which for the first time in my life, made me elated! I’ll admit, my husband and I worried about the baby for pretty much the entire pregnancy. I was “high risk” because of the past miscarriages and my age (40), but we welcomed the extra appointments and ultrasounds. And while we knew from the tests that everything was going smoothly, I felt scared to refer to the baby by the name we were giving him (Sammy), because I didn’t want to make him feel like a real person somehow. “Baby” felt safer. It wasn’t until I had a baby with a bill of good health in my arms that I could relax. While our journey was such a stressful and sad experience, I would go through it all again, in a heartbeat, to have our son.

 

credit: mothermag.com

Henry Okafor

  • Kiara

    2017-08-18 #1 Author

    Awwwww I’m sorry about that. I’ve been through the absolute same thing.

    Reply

  • Vanessa

    2017-08-18 #2 Author

    Praying for healing may god bw with you and your family

    Reply

  • Keshia cox

    2017-08-18 #3 Author

    Having a miscarriage is the hardest thing I ever had to accept. I never thought I would have one and it hurted my soul that I wouldn’t see my child.

    Reply

  • Asha

    2017-08-18 #4 Author

    I had had a miscarriage 3 years ago and it still hurts til this day. But i have a healthy one year old daughter that lights up my life and the people around her. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone to loose a child.

    Reply

  • Key

    2017-08-18 #5 Author

    Your story is beautiful, and such a happy ending. My good continue to bless your wonderful family. And thank him for little boys.

    Reply

  • Donesha currin

    2017-08-19 #6 Author

    I had a miscarriage in 2015 . Still effects me to this day

    Reply

  • Bre

    2017-08-19 #7 Author

    Omg I’m so sorry ! Praying for healing !

    Reply

  • Krista McCarl

    2017-08-19 #8 Author

    I m so sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing okay.

    Reply

  • Diamond

    2017-08-19 #9 Author

    God will always bless you when he feel like you are ready im sooo happy your son made it congrats

    Reply

  • Brittany

    2017-08-20 #10 Author

    Wow very cool!!

    Reply

  • Charlee Nicole Courtney

    2017-08-21 #11 Author

    Praying for you!🙏🏽

    Reply

  • Ann Berres

    2017-08-21 #12 Author

    So sad poor mom

    Reply

  • Jasmine Davis

    2017-08-21 #13 Author

    Omg I’ve been through the same thing before! We thank God daily for blessing us with our rainbow baby. Best wishes to you.

    Reply

  • Stacyy Bell

    2017-08-21 #14 Author

    I know the pain I had a miscarriage with my Son It hurts so bad losing a child that you carried for months and then you lose the baby

    Reply

  • Lekesha

    2017-08-21 #15 Author

    So sorry that this happened too you praying you have healing and would want to conceive again🙏🏿

    Reply

  • Jessica

    2017-08-21 #16 Author

    Praying for you and your family losing a child is really hard

    Reply

  • Jasmine

    2017-08-22 #17 Author

    God bless you&your family💞

    Reply

  • Jhadai Hubbard

    2017-08-22 #18 Author

    Im so sorry for your loss hun i will keep you in my prayers☝👼

    Reply

  • Marcquinne

    2017-08-22 #19 Author

    God is an on time God!!! He May not come when we want him, but he is always on time.

    Reply

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